i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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