I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
