Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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