i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
