I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
