Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
sex in a hospital.. check
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
