turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
