All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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