...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you have feelings for this penis?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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