the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
