I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
