just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
