This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
