Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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