my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
