So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
