If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
