the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
