Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
