no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
