This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
