she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
