I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
