??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
