Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
