Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
