Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
not ubering you a puppy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
