she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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