I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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