oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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