I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
