yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
