So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
