Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
