well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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