One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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