Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
