so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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