New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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