I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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