Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
