i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
