I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
