I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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