I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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