So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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