I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
