I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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