When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?