When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".