I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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