It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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