lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
